I reckon that Jeanette and I quickly fell into an intimate conversation because she not-so-quickly folded her intimates right in front of me. That’s right—reckon! I was doing laundry at a campground in South Dakota, staring at the washing machines with gratitude after days on the road, when Jeanette walked in and startled me out of my spell. She moved quickly and spoke fast which amused me and I took to her right away.
Jeanette and her husband, who was not there, had been camping for one week. She complained that the campground closed several amenities too soon now that summer was over. “Sure, the families are all gone,” she said “but those of us without kids are still here!” Jeanette and Husband (I don’t remember his name) live in Oregon although Jeanette is originally from California where there are, “just too many people!” She rolled her eyes and let out a depressing sigh when I told her that I’m headed for Los Angeles.
Husband is Jeanette’s second husband and I swear I didn’t ask. I always assume couples are in their first marriage as a matter of courtesy. They’d been married for 30 years and Jeanette really came to life (who knew she was holding back?) when I asked her the key to a successful marriage. Now sitting next to me like we were old chums, Jeanette told me she and her husband abided by four unbreakable rules to make their marriage work. The first rule was No TV in the bedroom. Because I already agreed with this point, I recognized that Jeanette was right and wise like Yoda. See how your marriage stacks up against Jeanette’s sacred marital rules below! This blog is now like Cosmo…
- No TV in the bedroom.
The bedroom, Jeanette firmly told me, is for sleeping and sex. I would substitute intimacy for sex because connecting non-sexually can be just as important in a relationship. I’ve long maintained that watching television is not something a couple does together but something they do at the same time which may not count as quality time. I didn’t ask if it was okay to read but let’s assume that the answer is “yes” because I am a reader and don’t want books to be a strain on my future marriage.
- Both people can have their own opinion.
Boundaries are the essence of all of these rules and, here, Jeanette is drawing a boundary around beliefs. One would expect that a couple’s beliefs are more in line than not, otherwise they wouldn’t be compatible. But your spouse is not supposed to be a carbon copy of you so part of respecting the marriage as a whole is respecting the differences that each person brings to the relationship. This can be difficult in practice which is why being strict about Rule 3 is critical.
- Everything stays outside of the bedroom.
This rule draws a boundary around arguments and differences of opinion. You can and will have them—but they belong outside of the bedroom. The only thing crossing the threshold into a couple’s sacred space is love. What brought you together, and what keeps you together, is the focus of the bedroom which is why Jeanette doesn’t want a television in there. Love can’t possibly compete with quality programming. Just kidding. Jeanette used more colorful language to describe how she makes this rule work but I can’t repeat it here because I hope to one day write for Disney.
- You shouldn’t be in a relationship if you can’t get along 75% of the time.
Jeanette had a German boss during her first, bad marriage which, I promise, is relevant. Deutsche Boss—DB for short— educated Jeanette that, culturally, Germans approach and manage time differently from Americans. A quick Google search yielded this explanation from a non-Wikipedia source: “Germans are most comfortable when they can organize and compartmentalize their world into controllable units.” DB told Jeanette to consider the quality of the time she spent with her husband after deducting hours spent sleeping, working, or carrying out life maintenance. DB thought it was not worth staying in the marriage if Jeanette and her husband did not get along without fighting for at least 75% of the time. Who knows how DB came up with this percentage or whether Germans are truly this particular about time. Notwithstanding any of that, Jeanette ended her first marriage largely on DB’s advice and was happier for it.
I’m glad I met Jeanette and not just because she provided content for this blog. Also because the campground wifi was down that day and I had no cell service. Why do you think I was staring at the washing machines? I was bored! And now YOU know to call a divorce attorney if you and your spouse only get along 74.5% of the time. Rules are rules.